Nevermore

It hurts when you say that you don't know if you love me. You are so much cruel at me. I don't know how I can write it. How say it. You're so cold. Your voice. I hate you for this but I can't stop love you. I read your blog diary. It's more painful. I know. I must stop think about that. But I can't. There is one big wound in my hearth. No one and no thing means so much for me as you. I did nothing to you. You tear me apart. Why did you write something more optimistic on your blog? Why are there so big doubts like that day?
I am scared. I am scared and afraid of you all the days since it happened. Even if I'm not looking like this and saying so. I am going to be more closed towards yourself.
Your still loving llz

Painter's Fingers

Once a watched my hand and fingers. Small hand, natural long nails, ring from my grandma and mum (family legacy).
"It draws," I said to myself and moved with my hand. Yes. Draws, writes, give me food. How can I push whith this someone?! With so small hand.
It's scary. I have scary hands. Thin fingers, dry and hackly. My hands are often cold. That's why I feel corpsy in many times.
What my hands can do? Kill someone? No! Not again. I'm not a murder.
But I can paint portraits of my victims. Pale, somewhere blue skin, creepy red eyes - deadly eyes, long brown hair.
Yes, my dear hands, we're murders anymore. Even if there's no real blood and bodies. Prefering Madder Lake Deep gouache more than blood.
I am murder.
Who never killed anyone.

Sence of pain

Do you know how does it really feel?
The pain?
No?
Pain isn't only little wound with really small drops of blood (like EMO likes....). Pain is deep wound with more blood. It's something what give you a scar. Enywhere.
Pain is when your hands can't stop shaking, your mind is blind and your memories are in deep black dusk.
Pain is fast beating of your heart what turn you into madness and insanity.
Pain is when you feel that you don't wanna live and don't wanna die, it's something what you will love but hate after all.
You will feel lonely even if you have lots of friends and really nice boyfriend.
Pain will catch you, if you recognize how much bad things you did. You fall in to scary magic cyrcle: pain vs. blame. And the shadow's game starts.
Pain is symbol of your sickness.

Tradition in my country: Mikulash

Ok. I wanna inform you about some czech celebrations.
Today 5.12. we celebrate Mikulash festival (Mikuláš).
Very notable are costumes. Important is Mikulash costume. It's someone like 'Father of winter' and he's symbol of justice. He's walking on streets with his servants: angel/s and devil/s. They must find so many children as they can. Mikulash will judge if child was naughty or nice (he has book of all children and with statisticks). If the child was naughty, devil will give him/her coals or potatoes; if nice, angel will give him/her some sweets or little gifts. Children mostly get both. But it's hard work on our streets, because some teenagers are getting fun. How? They throw petards on streets and (in the worst way) on them.
Mikulash and his servants sometimes visit families with children at their home. Children must prepare themselfs for this. They must sing or recitate some song and they must promise they will be good and nice next year.
I've got some sweets from my mum today too (gingerbreads, candies and big chocolate devil... Mwahahahaha!!!). Even if I'm sixteen years old. Adults also give some sweets and little gifts themselfs. They don't need costume. Costumes are for children ... mostly.
Mikulash is something like great name day. But his name day is on 6.12. And because this is only name day, we haven't any holiday or free time T_T

We celebrate name days. That means that every day in year include some name. For example: I celebrate my name day on 4.12. - name Barbora, on 5.12 it is name Yitka (Jitka), on 6.12. Mikulash (this isn't so typical name - I really don't know someone who's named like this), on 7.12. Benjamin (Benjamín), on 8.12. Kvietoslava (Květoslava), on 9.12. Vratislav .... and so on... It's like light birthday.

Weird moment in school

Life is strange, u'know?
I was at school. I had really bad day. I could't pay attention for a while.
My classmate asked me what happened to me, because I looks pale. I answered .... I'm like this these few days ......
I really don't know why I said so weird answer. He went out from classroom. How nice he was. What a care.
I turned my eyes at window. There was nothing behind. Only rubbish and green grass.
Somehow it hypnotized me. I was thinking, how feels falling down from second floor. I didn't wanna die or something like this. I just wanted feel pain. I leaned my forehead against the glass - sadly and agonizedly.
I fough with myslef. But a hadn't so much time, because teacher came in classroom.